The roller coaster of a break-up
There are a range of emotions you will go through when your marriage ends and the best way to describe it is like a rollercoaster. There will be days when you won’t want to get out of bed. There will be days when you are so angry and others when you could just cry all day. All these feelings are perfectly normal.
Even if it was your decision to separate and you know it is the right thing to do, it can still be very difficult to move on and get past it all. The phases of grief (or any sort of significant loss) were first described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who outlined 5 main phases. Other popular models talk about 7 stages. Although these phases are hard to go through, it can help to know that it is a process and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Denial
This stage can be quite a big stage, especially if it was your ex that suggested the separation. It can take time to process what is happening and you may not even believe that you will really separate or that it might just be a trial separation and then everything will be ok again. I remember thinking that my ex was just having a mid-life crisis and that he would come to his senses soon. If it was your decision to end the relationship then you probably spent quite a lot of time thinking everything would be ok and not really accepting that your marriage wasn’t working. You may have stayed in the relationship much longer than you should because you thought things would get better.
Pain and Guilt
The one who decided to end the marriage may feel really guilty, even though they know it was the right thing to do. They are likely to feel terrible about upsetting you and the children and may also be feeling guilty about an extra-marital affair, whether they have actually had one, or nearly had one. Even if you were the one that wanted to stay in the relationship, you may have feelings of guilt that you could have done things differently, been a better partner, noticed what was going on so you could have done something about it.
The feeling of pain can feel unbearable and this is when you might first begin to realise that your relationship is really over and you aren’t going to get back together. The realisation of living apart, not seeing your children every day can be overwhelming. This is a stage where you really need your support network around you. It can be very tempting to mask these feelings with alcohol or some other crutch like food. Try to get your needs met with a hug from a good friend or family member instead.
Anger
This is a very difficult stage and sometimes people can get stuck in this phase. You are likely to feel angry that your partner wanted to end the marriage or that they ruined your relationship with their behaviour. This emotion can be very strong if there was an extra-marital affair or abuse. It could be that you are angry with yourself for letting the marriage fail. This is also where things can turn nasty and one or both partners might start to seek some sort of revenge like stopping them from seeing the children or bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the children or in public. You may well have good reason to feel angry but be careful how this is acted out or you could regret it later. Read more about how to deal with this emotion in my blog post on ‘dealing with anger’.
Bargaining
This is where we try to change the outcome by begging ‘God’ or some other higher power to change things. We start to wish we had done things differently and have a wish to go back and ‘fix’ things. We may start to beg for forgiveness from our partner and looking back on the relationship with rose-tinted glasses and thinking it was perfect if that ‘one thing’ could be fixed. It is at this point that if you were the one who decided to leave, you may need to remind yourself of your ‘why’. When we are no longer in a relationship that isn’t working we forget how we felt at that time.
Depression
This is when you start to accept the reality and it may bring great sadness. You may not want to socialise and begin to feel quite alone. Strong feelings of loneliness can be really present at this time and you may feel empty. It can also be a period of reflection where you look back on memories. This can be very hard to deal with and some people also get stuck in this phase too for some time but it is a natural stage of the grieving process.
The upward turn
At this stage, you begin to adjust to your new life. The negative strong emotions have died down and you begin to feel a little calmer. You may start to feel more motivated and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Reconstruction and working through
You start to plan your new life, perhaps working on your finances and plan things for yourself in the future.
Acceptance
At this point we start to realise we can’t change things and begin to put our lives back together. We begin to feel hope and can look back on your relationship without that searing pain you once had. You’ll find yourself genuinely smiling more and more inspired to move forward.
These stages are all perfectly normal but they are personal to you. Nobody experiences grief in exactly the same way. You may go through some stages very quickly and others may take some time. If you find yourself really ‘stuck’ in any of the stages, it could be worth working with a therapist. If you regularly don’t want to get out of bed or can’t control your emotions in public or have completely withdrawn from friends and family, then you are likely to need some professional help.
These emotions can really take a toll on our health and wellbeing. It is very important to look after yourself at this time. For further information on looking after yourself, read my blog on ‘Managing your Emotions’.
