My Ex Met Someone New!
The first time you find out your ex is with someone new it can cause quite a range of emotions. Even if you were the one that wanted the divorce and even if you are also with someone new, it can still be a bit of a shock. If you still haven’t accepted the relationship is over it can feel like a real blow and be very upsetting.
Range of Emotions
You may believe that you have moved on and have accepted your relationship is over so it can be quite surprising when you have these strange feelings when you find out. If you do get some nostalgic feeling or perhaps feel a bit upset, it doesn’t automatically mean that you are still in love with them.
Anger
You may feel angry. How could they have moved on so quickly? You may be frustrated that they have moved on before you! Knowing they are with someone else can bring up all those angry feelings you had buried for a while.
Disregarded or Replaced
If your ex has moved on very quickly you may feel completely disregarded and wonder if your relationship ever meant anything. This is also a common feeling if the reason your marriage ended was because of an affair.
Even if you have accepted the relationship is over and have moved on to a certain extent, if you have young children, the thought of another person being a ‘parent’ to your child can make you feel like you are being replaced and cause a huge wave of emotions such as insecurity, jealousy or fear.
Making comparisons
It is almost impossible not to make some comparisons either! We just can’t seem to help ourselves wondering what they have got that we haven’t. Are they better looking? Better in bed? Funnier? More money? Younger? Fitter? Slimmer? There is no end to the comparisons we make and they rarely make us feel any better.
Ruminating and Overthinking
These thoughts and emotions can lead to ruminating on the new relationship, overthinking and imagining them together. The problem with this is that it is our imagination rather than reality. We can imagine them having a wonderful time, going on romantic dates, laughing and having amazing sex. The reality could be completely different. They could be sitting on a sofa watching TV, wondering what to have for dinner. These thoughts running round in our head then affect our feelings and before we know it, we are engulfed with jealousy, anger or sadness.
It can also make us start to seek approval from outside and push ourselves to show them that we have moved on too! At this point people sometimes decide to start dating which can be a great way to move on but if revenge or desperation is your motivation for dating, then it isn’t going to end well.
How to feel better
So what can you do to deal with these emotions?
Your relationship
Remember that what you had with them is unique and can not be erased. That can not be replicated or replaced. Know that newer does not equal better.
If you have a positive relationship with your child, you will never be replaced. Whilst you might not want another person to bath, feed or read to your child, the fact that someone else might be willing to do that is a positive thing. Your child may well get on with this other person but you will ALWAYS be there no.1. The parent/child bond can never be replaced. I have seen children who adore their mother even when they were such a bad parent the child had to go into care.
Remember why you aren’t together. Things obviously weren’t perfect and unless your ex has learned the lessons of your marriage, they will make the same mistakes again with a new partner.
Their relationship
Remind yourself that whatever things you are imagining about this new relationship is just your imagination, not reality.
Avoid stalking them online. Delete or unfollow your ex if seeing them with someone else is upsetting you. Do the same with mutual friends for a while if that means you end up seeing pictures of your ex.
Realise that the new partner in your ex’s life may well be feeling insecure about you! You were married to them. You have children together. That is a bond that will never be broken.
Rebound relationships rarely work long term so if this is quite quick after your divorce, then there is a good chance it won't last.
Managing emotions
Try things such as meditation, journaling or listening to some uplifting music if you are feeling angry or hurt.
Distract yourself with fun activities. Plan some nights/days out with friends or family.
Don’t go to places where you might bump into them if seeing them together is difficult.
Blow off some steam with some exercise.
Practice some self-love and self-care. Write down all your positive traits and do something you love to look after yourself. Focus on you, not them.
When you are struggling with your feelings, practice mindfulness. Bring yourself into the present moment. Nothing bad is happening to you right now, it is your thoughts that are causing these painful feelings. Name 3 things you can see, touch, smell and feel. Shift your thinking to something more pleasurable.
For more support on managing emotions, read my other blog post ‘Managing Emotions’.
Remember this is just temporary
Seeing your ex with someone new can be difficult but the feelings will ease and you will gradually get more used to the situation even if you are never quite in a position where you are happy about it. Whilst things might be awful now, nothing lasts forever and you can and will feel better.
Professional Support
If you are really struggling with these feelings, get some professional support to help you adjust your thought processes which can be difficult to do on your own. If you are feeling really depressed and unable to get out of bed, then you may need therapy so please seek out a counsellor or doctor.
Moving on past these thoughts and feelings can be difficult and coaching can really help you to reframe those thoughts. To find out more about how I can help you with this, click the button below to arrange a free consultation.
