Friends with the ex?
It depends on your definition of friends but my personal view is no, not really and certainly not for a while. There are of course some exceptions to this. For example, if you have both genuinely come to the conclusion that you really aren’t meant to be together and the passion you once had has become a friendship, then there is a good chance you can make a long term friendship work. This is quite rare though as there is usually one person who is shocked, hurt and upset by the split and so there has to be time to grieve before you can even consider being friends with your ex.
The reason some couples try to be friends is because:
One person is actually hoping that it might become more
One feels bad about the relationship ending so offers friendship instead
One person feels worried about being alone and so friendship with the ex is better than nothing at all
They are trying to do the right thing for the children
Time to Grieve
I have a good relationship with my ex husband and we share quite a few laughs about things. We communicate well around our son and help each other out with regard to childcare but that is it. If we have a joint event to do with our son then we absolutely get on well and we attend school parents’ evenings together. But do I just phone him up just for a chat? No. Does he come round for dinner? No. And the way we are now took some time. We have always managed to be civil but there was a time when we really didn’t get on. I was so angry with him for ripping our family apart and changing our life plan. The anger was really about feeling hurt but I eventually got past that and moved on. There aren’t many marriage breakups that don’t have some anger, upset and hurt and that takes time to get over. See my other blog post on the ‘rollercoaster of a break-up’.
Even when things are quite amicable, the breakup of a marriage is a sad event and needs grieving. You need emotional and physical space to do that. Trying to remain friends can slow down that healing process. To move on properly you need to accept that your marriage has ended and there is no going back. That is much more difficult when you are trying to remain friends. When you get divorced you have to find your new identity. For many years you have been someone’s spouse and now you are a single person again. That takes some getting used to! For some it is a very scary prospect and for others really exciting, but those initial feelings eventually wear off.
Consider the Children
Lots of couples try to remain friends for the sake of the children and that is really positive. It is good to have a united front for your children and it is important that they don’t bear the brunt of your separation. However, if you are going to get divorced then the children do need to see you as a separate entity and seeing you together a lot, whilst quite nice, could be confusing. Children need you to cooperate and be good parents but many will fantasize about their parents getting back together so you being friends could definitely confuse things for them and prevent them from accepting the situation. If your children are struggling with your divorce read my post on ‘Supporting Children’.
Dating and Friends With Benefits?
Whilst being friends could work initially, what happens when one of you starts dating? That could definitely muddy the waters a bit and how comfortable would you be dating someone that had a really good friendship with their ex and were still very close? I think I would find it a bit odd and a bit of a concern. For more support on dating read my Guide to Dating After Divorce.
I also see some separated couples still having sex occasionally. Each to their own but that would suggest a lot of physical attraction is still there so why can they not work on their relationship? Also, some people can have sex without emotional attachment but I don’t know many women who can do that so it would suggest to me that some might at least still be looking for something more.
Boundaries
Being friends can also confuse boundaries. When you separate or divorce you need to eventually live in different houses and lead your own lives. When you have shared a home that then becomes ‘yours’ or ‘theirs’ it can be confusing to everyone. Can the other person come and go as they please? Do they still have a key? Can they come in and get things for the children? Even if you haven’t agreed to be ‘friends’ this confusion over what was once the family home can be a source of boundary issues if you haven’t discussed what you both want and expect. For more reading on boundaries, check out my ‘Boundaries’ blog post.
Can It Work?
To summarise, my personal view is that yes, you can be friends with your ex BUT only after some considerable time of being apart e.g at least 6 months to a year and only when you have fully grieved and accepted the relationship is over. If there is even a tiny part of you that is still in love with them or you hope you might get back together, being friends is just going to hurt you more in the long run and keep you from moving on with your life.
If you do decide to go down the friends route then my advice would be:
Make sure you have BOTH accepted you are better off not together as a married couple and that neither of you wants anything more than friendship
Be sure your ex doesn’t still have feelings for you despite what they might say and vice versa!
Have clear boundaries about what being friends means and how that is different to when you were married
Talk about how you will present and explain your friendship to the children so they don’t think you are getting back together
Still live your own life and have other friends that aren’t in the same group as your ex
Talk about when one of you decides to start dating. Does that change things?
There is a good chance that one day you could be good friends. You chose each other once because you liked each other and you probably have lots of common interests. You have a shared history and children together so there are lots of reasons why it makes sense to at least get along with each other.
It is perfectly possible to be FRIENDLY, but this is quite different to being FRIENDS. Choose wisely and make a clear distinction between the two.
Your ex might want to remain friends with you but you need to do what feels right for you. Saying no to friendship doesn't mean you have to both be unkind to each other. It just means you are putting in a protective boundary for yourself.
If you are wanting to remain friends with them ask yourself why. Is it because you are scared to be on your own? Are you feeling guilty about ending the marriage? Do you still have feelings for them? Do you think they still have feelings for you? If the answer is yes to any of these, then being friends is really not the right thing to do at the moment.
If would like to talk this through more with me, please book a free discovery so we can talk more about how I can best help you in this situation. You can also check out my website for different support packages.
