Managing Emotions

There are so many emotions you will go through when your marriage is ending or you are going through a significant break-up. It is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions and a very stressful time. 

Stressful events really take their toll on our health. Stress raises the cortisol levels in our body, it is nature's built-in alarm system. It serves us well when we are in danger. Our adrenal glands make cortisol and when the danger passes, the cortisol levels calm down too. However, if you are in constant stress, like when your marriage is falling apart, cortisol can lead to a number of health problems and hampers the immune system. When I was going through this I was ill a few times which was unlike me and I had the worst case of tonsillitis I'd ever had! Try to look after your wellbeing by reducing your cortisol levels doing these things.

When we are in a stressful situation it can be even more difficult to manage our emotions. We therefore need to manage our stress levels so that we can take better care of ourselves and manage our emotions better. 

Sleep

You may find it hard to sleep at night. You have so many things going on in your head and the bed just doesn’t feel right when you are in there on your own. A good night’s sleep is really important though so try to get into a routine of going to bed at a normal time and aim to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Alcohol really does disrupt sleep too so try to avoid drinking before you go to bed. 

Deep breathing

I was very sceptical about how just a bit of deep breathing could really help but it really can! If you don’t want to go down the whole meditation route then seriously just a few deep breaths can make a world of difference. Take one huge breath and breathe out for a count of 5. Do this 5 times. See if you can extend the count outwards. When you breathe deeply it increases oxygen to the brain and stimulates the nervous system which sends a message to your brain to calm down and relax. Try to do this at least once a day. 

Meditation and Mindfulness

Meditation and mindfulness can also help enormously. There is now growing scientific research that shows that meditation has a positive effect on mental health. Meditation helps to temporarily lower your blood pressure and breathing rate, which both rise when we are angry or upset. This could be incorporated into some light exercise too by going out for a walk in the park, making sure that you really notice what is going on around you; the sounds and the smells. Focusing on being in the moment takes you away from the feelings inside you. 

Exercise

Our body is made to move and whilst it is very tempting to stay in bed with the duvet wrapped round you, light exercise will really help. It doesn’t mean you have to start jogging, just a brisk walk or a yoga class will do equally well. Exercise boosts endorphins (feel-good hormones) which make us feel good. Think how good you feel when you’ve done some exercise. The hard part is getting up to do it but once it’s done, you feel so much better for having done it. 

Healthy Eating

When you’re not feeling great, you might just want to make life easier for yourself by ordering take-aways or microwave meals. There is nothing wrong with this and give yourself permission to take a break from being a domestic goddess now and again. However, if your diet consists of mainly sugar, salt and preservative laden foods you are soon going to start feeling even worse. Your body needs its nutrient requirements to heal and pizza, chips and ice-cream aren’t going to do that. 

Laughter

You really might not feel like laughing much at the moment but it really can do wonders for your stress levels. Find something you like to watch which might raise a laugh now and again and watch how you start to feel a bit better. My go-to was Friends or Sex and the City! Try to get out with friends and family, especially the ones you know can help you raise a smile. 

Touch

Depending on how intimate your marriage was, this could be something you are really missing. The physical act of being touched is very soothing and lowers cortisol levels. Whilst you might not have a partner to get that from, get a hug from friends and family. Even stroking a dog or cat can provide the same effect. Or maybe book a massage! 

Talking Therapy

Talking to others can also help because it enables you to express your emotions. You might want to talk to a close friend, a family member, a professional therapist/coach or even to people on a specific forum or Facebook group. 

Take a break

If you have young children, try to get a break. Ask family or friends to have the children for an hour so that you can rest or do something nice for yourself or meet up with other parents of children of the same age. That way the children occupy themselves and you are able to enjoy some adult company too. 

Acknowledge your emotions

To help you manage these emotions it can be useful to start journaling your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes just naming the emotions can put them into perspective and help to release them. We also have a tendency to avoid bad feelings and whilst keeping yourself busy during this time is really good, avoiding feelings can just prolong the agony. When you feel a really strong emotion such as sadness or anger, acknowledge the emotion, breath deeply through it and let it go. Spend some time ‘feeling’ the emotion and then let it go and do something else. This can be challenging because we don’t want to feel this emotion. It feels uncomfortable and almost unbearable sometimes. 

Reframe your thoughts

Instead of telling yourself ‘I’m so alone, nobody will ever love me again’. Tell yourself ‘I have two wonderful friends who love me for who I am and I am now free to do whatever I want.’ This can seem really strange at first and not genuine but by telling yourself something several times, it becomes more ingrained. Coaching can really help you to unpick what things you are telling yourself and how you can reframe those thoughts. Check out my different support packages.