Boundaries
Boundaries are important for keeping us safe and they help to avoid burn-out, disappointment, resentment and anger. They are essential if we are to prioritise our self-care. Boundaries are about setting limits for ourselves and others.
Having clear boundaries means:
Saying no to things you don’t really want to do
Telling others how you want to be treated
Not trying to fix, change or rescue others
Being able to work towards your own goals and interests
Communicating your thoughts, needs and feelings
Enabling others to make their own decisions
Rigid and Loose Boundaries
Sometimes boundaries can be too rigid. They give us a reason to keep people at arm’s length and avoid close relationships. These may stem from a fear of what might happen if we get too close to someone. It can also be because of our childhood and how securely attached we were to our parents and the attachment style we developed as we grew up.
In many cases, boundaries are too loose. I see this a lot with my clients and was guilty of this too! Women especially are often ‘people-pleasers’ and don’t like to say ‘no’. They want to keep everyone happy and put others before themselves. In some cases of loose boundaries, someone may overshare personal information and seek to please because of a deep rooted fear of rejection.
Types of Boundaries
We should all set boundaries around the following areas:
Physical
This is your personal space and what you are comfortable with regarding touch and other physical needs such as food, drink and rest. These boundaries are about feeding yourself when you are hungry, telling people that you are not a ‘hugger’ if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It means taking a break when you know you are struggling. These boundaries are very important when separating from your partner and they may no longer live with you. What are you going to allow to continue and what must stop?
Sexual
Being very clear about what you like and don’t like and how you expect to be treated. Sexual boundaries are about sex being consensual, even if you are married. Sexual boundaries about also about discussing contraception respecting privacy.
Intellectual
These boundaries are about your thoughts and feelings and right not to be belittled. They are about each person’s entitlement to their own views and opinions. Equally, if someone is expressing an opinion that is very different to yours or is harmful, such as racism, then you can set a boundary that you will not tolerate being part of any discussion about such things.
Emotional
This is about respecting yours and others’ feelings and knowing that feelings are valid. Setting boundaries around these might be to ask for help when you need it or to be clear that you aren’t in the right frame of mind to discuss something right at that moment. It could be about asking for space or telling someone how they make you feel when they criticise you.
Time
Your time is precious and it is very easy to let people take up all your time or by overcommitting to events and requests for help if you struggle to say no. You might need to set strong boundaries for yourself in respect of how much time you spend on social media, how much overtime you do at work or how many favours you do for friends.
Financial
In some marriages, one person is very much in control of the finances. There is nothing wrong with that as long as the other person has access to money and is given the details and passwords of accounts and is not kept in the dark. Financial boundaries are also about how much spending you are comfortable with and feeling able to express that. You may want to set boundaries around saving and splitting of costs.
Expressing your boundaries
It can be quite scary to set a new boundary so practise setting and expressing small ones first. Remember that you do not need to explain your reasons for that boundary. You do not need to justify what is important to you but you might want to explain why it is important to you.
1. Define boundary
2. Communicate what you need
3. Keep it simple, don't over explain or justify
4. Set consequence and explain why it is important
Separation and Divorce
When you separate from your partner you may need to set new boundaries. Common boundary issues I see with my clients are:
Continuing to be intimate with the ex despite them being clear about wanting a divorce
Arguing in front of the children
Belittling each other during arguments
One person not sharing financial details
Disrespecting the privacy of each other
One person thinking they can come and go whenever they like
Not respecting the other person’s request for ‘space’
The blurry mess of separation can make things very difficult. Sometimes one person expresses a need for some space but the other understandably wants answers. Often both parties need to live in the same house which makes ‘separation’ very difficult. If one person moves out of the marital home, can they come and go as they please? This is very difficult because they are an equal partner in the home so you can’t stop them coming back.
If you are separating from your partner, talking through these scenarios is really important so you both know where you stand and what your expectations are.
