Supporting your children
Worrying about your children during divorce is often one of your main concerns. Very few children ever want to see their parents separate. This is why there can be a number of problems with your children once they know the news.
It should be noted that these problems can also occur if couples decide to stay together for the ‘sake of the children’. If either parent is unhappy in the relationship or the relationship is unhealthy, abusive or toxic, children will learn wrong behaviours and it can also affect their own mental health. Children need to see examples of healthy relationships so they have healthy ones of their own.
What children need
Whatever the circumstances of your separation, hopefully you and your partner can put the children first. Working in primary education for 25 years I have seen the impact of divorce both positively and negatively on children. Children’s basic needs are to feel safe, secure and loved. The things that make them feel that way are:
good routines
strong boundaries
giving affection and praise
listening to them
helping them realise how strong and capable they are
Affection, Praise and Unconditional love
This is an obvious one but you might just need to give a few extra hugs in those earlier days because it is so tough. Hugging will do YOU the world of good too. Praise is vital for any child but particularly if they are choosing to behave inappropriately. This may be because they are seeking attention because they are worried about not seeing enough of you or the other parent. Praising the good behaviour and sometimes ignoring minor incidents of poor behaviour can be really beneficial. Children also need to know that even if they do something wrong that you love them anyway.
Routines
Children can and will get used to living in two homes as long as they have the things outlined above. A regular pattern of child access is really important and then good routines within each house will also help too. Some parents worry that the other parent is not following the same routine at their house. Whilst it is better to have similar routines, children adapt very quickly and if routines are different in each house, they will learn the routine at each house and respond appropriately.
Boundaries
It can be very tempting to allow poor behaviour to slide because you know they are upset about the separation or divorce. Don’t do that. If children behave inappropriately they should have an appropriate consequence for that behaviour. The difference is that you recognise that the behaviour MIGHT have been as a result of being upset about what is going on at home but don’t use it as an excuse for poor behaviour. If your child’s behaviour has started to go off the rails during this process, talk to them about their emotions and help them to manage them better.
Children need strong boundaries because it makes them feel secure. It shows them that you care about them and teaches them that there are consequences for poor behaviour. And whilst they might say ‘I hate you’ when you unplug the Xbox because of their poor behaviour, they don’t really. Equally make sure any consequences are fair, age-appropriate and proportional. Sometimes, when we aren’t feeling great ourselves, we dish out inappropriate consequences such as grounding a teenager for a month because they didn’t do their homework one day. That isn’t proportional and you are likely to give in when you’ve calmed down. The important thing with boundaries is that they are also applied consistently, not based on how well you are coping on the day.
Listening to them
Ask your children how they are feeling and talk about it. Sometimes at the root of any poor behaviour is fear. They may be scared that they may lose one of both of their parents. This could be particularly true if one parent left suddenly. Teenagers might be less inclined to talk about the feelings but do still ask them. And when they talk, really listen. Acknowledge their feelings and don’t try to just tell them everything will be ok. They need to feel heard. Think about how you can help them with their specific feelings. They may tell you that they want mum and dad back together or something that won’t be able to happen. Explain in an age-appropriate way why you can or can’t give them what they want.
Help them realise their strengths
It can be very tempting to want to wrap your children up in bubble wrap to protect them from all the awful things that are happening. Unfortunately we can’t protect our children from all that life throws at them. The best thing we can do is build their resilience and help them to realise they are very capable of getting through difficult times. Don’t let them feel like the victim in this process. Even though the actual separation of their parents is out of their control, they do have control over their emotions and responses. Rather than the ‘poor you’ or ‘it will be ok’ response we might want to give, tell them that you understand that it is very upsetting and not what they would have wanted. They also need to know that it is not their fault. Talk to them about how it might be a bit rough for a while but they are strong and capable of getting through this. The key difference here is that you are acknowledging their feelings and not just dismissing them. You are also not just telling them that everything will be fine which they may not believe at the time. You are letting them know that it will be ok because they are strong and capable. Children also need to learn how to look at things from a multiple perspectives.
Other ways you can help
Do your best to co-parent effectively. Get some support with this if necessary.
Avoid arguing in front of the children or making them feel like they have to choose.
If you are in the process of sorting out finances and child access arrangements, put your anger and resentment aside and before every decision you make, consider what the impact of that decision will be on the children.
Talk to the school about what is going on. They will be able to look out for your child and any changes in their behaviour and let you know what is going on.
Whatever your own thoughts and feelings, don’t ever let the children feel guilty for spending time with the other parent.
Try to keep your own emotions in check. Whilst it is ok for children to see people cry, you don’t want your children to be spending their time worrying about you.
Teach them coping skills. Teaching our children how to soothe themselves when they are upset or angry is one of the most important things we can teach our children.
Coping skills for children
Calming skills:
Deep breathing (using bubbles can be helpful for younger children)
Counting to 10
Calming jar- (water and glitter)
Create a music playlist
Worry jar-put worries in a jar, discuss and then throw away
Children’s yoga or mediation
Teach positive self-talk
Distraction-baking, puzzles, games, craft project, colouring, be silly and laugh
Strategies: When I am upset I can…. When I am upset, you can help me by ….
Problems that might arise
Despite all your best efforts, children can still find this process very difficult and the sort of problems that might occur are:
Not engaging in school as well as they were
Mental health problems
Attention seeking behaviour
Behaving aggressively
Return to bedwetting (younger children)
Over-reacting or out of control emotions (teenagers)
Also be aware that some of these behaviours might have occurred even without any separation or divorce, especially with teenagers or pre-teens. There could be things going on at school or just part of growing up. Don’t immediately assume that it is because of the family situation and start blaming yourself. If these things are occurring, talk to your child about what is going on. Also talk to their school. Many schools now have additional mental health support and may be able to provide individual or group work or signpost to professional help.
As an experienced teacher and coach I can help you if you are struggling to support your children. Check out my different support packages or book a free consultation if you’d like to learn more about my services.
