The ideal scenario when a couple decides to separate is one person finds alternative accommodation. Whilst this may be upsetting, it is even harder to live in the same house as someone who no longer wants to be with you. It can be even harder if they have had an affair or one person is angry and bitter about the split. Living together makes it harder to accept that the relationship is over and more difficult to start picking up the pieces of your life. It isn't nice when the person you once loved will barely give you the time of day or is constantly sniping at you.

Unfortunately the reality is that very few people can afford to pay the mortgage on the family home AND rent on a second property. This means that couples often end up having to continue to share the marital home after separation. And despite perhaps wanting to, neither party can be forced to leave, even if they don't actually contribute to the mortgage. Legally, if you are married then it is a shared property, 'home' to both of you and neither can be forced to leave. However, if you are suffering domestic abuse, you can apply for an occupation order and the court will consider who can stay in the house and if someone needs to leave.

Occupation order in domestic abuse cases

If you are suffering from domestic abuse, then you can apply for an occupation order so that your spouse has to move out. When considering an occupation order, the court will consider housing needs, financial resources, the health, safety or wellbeing of the person and the conduct of each person in relation to each other. You would need to complete an FL401 application.

What about the children?

Some couples decide to continue living together for the sake of the children. It is devastating to children when they hear their parents are separating but it is also horrible for them to feel the tension and witness arguing. If you choose to stay living together or there is no alternative, then it is vital that things remain at least civil if there are children in the house.

Staying together for a while can be reassuring for the children but they will eventually need to get used to the idea of you not being in the same house. So in the long run, staying in the same house just for the children is ok for a short period of time but is only really prolonging the inevitable.

How to making sharing the house easier

If you and your spouse are very amicable and the decision to separate is 100% mutual then living together may be okay. For most though, it is anything but amicable. There is usually one who is devastated by the decision and may do everything they possibly can to repair the damage. They may want to get back together. There can also be incredible anger and resentment which certainly doesn't make for a happy home in any circumstances. These suggestions are for the vast majority who are separating against the wish of one person. Or because there has been some sort of betrayal through an affair or other lies.

1. Sleep in separate rooms. This may of course not be possible, but continuing to share a bed will make things much more difficult.

2. Decide which rooms will be communal and which are 'yours' or 'his'. Who will have the TV room? Will you share it or will you have a rota for it? How will you work the kitchen? Set times for cooking? Separate cupboards for each person's food? Some of this may seem a bit extreme but the sooner you can live 'separately' the easier it will be for you both when you have to live on your own. If you are still quite amicable it may be that you still cook and shop for each other but then you are not really 'separated'.

3. How will the children be looked after? Perhaps start as you mean to go on and have a rota for childcare like you will need to when you are divorced? It could be that you assign specific roles e.g one person feeds them and the other baths them.

4. Keep things civil but don't get too involved in each other's lives. You don't need to know how their day has been or what they are doing at the weekend.

5. Don't 'hang out' together. This blurs the lines of your separation and will make it much harder for you to move forward with your life. See my other post 'Friends with the ex?'

6. Agree clear boundaries about childcare, cleaning, shopping, whether you agree that friends can come over, dating other people etc. See my post on 'boundaries' for more support.

7. Divorce can take a long time! You could be living in the same house for 2-3 years before you are divorced and have sorted out finances. It can be upsetting and very stressful. Try to have some time out for yourself. See if you can stay over at a friend's or family member's house occasionally just to get out of the house.

8. Sort out financial arrangements as soon as possible. How will joint bills be paid? Do you still need a joint account? If you haven't already got your own bank account, get one as soon as possible! The sooner you can be financially independent, the better. By sorting out some of your finances while you are separated, it will make it much easier to sort them out when you get divorced.

9. Don't make any hasty decisions about your living arrangements. You or your ex may want to sell the house so you can both get your own places and split the equity 50/50. Get some legal advice before doing that because you could be entitled to a greater than 50% share.

Emotional Support

Going through a divorce is incredibly stressful and you will need to have people around you for emotional support. Also remember that although this seems like it is going on forever, it is really just a short period of time in the grand scheme of life. It will eventually be over and you will be able to move on and have a good life, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. 

If you would like to have some professional support, you can book a free consultation to find out the different ways I can help you or view my services.