How to stop thinking about your ex
Trying to stop thinking about your ex is one of the most challenging parts of separation.
These are the questions I hear all the time.
Why does he keep coming into my head when all I want to do is forget about him?
Why does this process have to be made even more difficult by not being able to stop thinking about her?
How can I stop thinking about him?
Our brains are wired so that we form bonds with people. Those bonds are incredibly hard to break, even when you really want to. Think drug/alcohol/smoking addiction or desperately trying to lose weight and not being able to avoid the cream cakes or biscuits. These habits are not easy to break, especially when there is a big part of us that doesn’t really want to.
The biggest reason why you can’t stop thinking about your ex is because you still have an attachment to them. This is not really surprising is it? You were with them for several years, you may have had children with them and even though your relationship had its lows, I’m sure there were also lots of happy moments. Your ex may have been your best friend as well as your lover. Those bonds don’t break overnight!
Once you start thinking about your ex, you can easily go down the rabbit hole and before you know it you have wasted 2 hours of your day. The emotions that no doubt came with the thinking were also possibly quite overwhelming. Anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, shame, regret are all perfectly natural emotions when going through this grieving process. For more help with understanding the grieving process, read my blog post on ‘7 Emotional Phases of Marriage Break-up’. I also have a post called ‘Ultimate Guide to Managing Your Emotions’.
There are 3 main sticking points that will keep you in that cycle of constantly thinking about your ex. These are the 3 reasons we get ‘stuck’ which prevent us from moving on.
The truth is that you will not stop thinking about your ex until you truly accept that it is over. If there is even the smallest part of you that is hoping for some sort of reconciliation, then you are not accepting it is over. I really do know how hard that is to do and it can take quite some time. You might be thinking ‘if I just did this, things would be ok’. Or ‘when he realises that ….he will come back to me.’
Despite what you might hope or believe, look at the reality. Has your ex told you that it is definitely over? Have they moved on to another relationship? Filed for divorce?
Even if you have accepted that it is over, you can still struggle with this if you are stuck in the anger phase. You might realise that there is no hope of getting back together but you are still angry with them, or yourself. This might be the case when the separation wasn’t your decision or that there was an extra-marital affair. There can be a lack of closure which keeps you in this anger phase. Work through this phase with a trusted friend, coach or counsellor, so that you can resolve those anger issues.
The third reason is unresolved issues from your relationship which maintains that attachment. If your ex fulfilled a need in you, then until you find that need elsewhere you will maintain that attachment to your ex. If you don’t learn the lessons of what made your previous relationship go wrong, then you are likely to repeat those patterns. Any new relationship you build will go wrong for the same reasons, making you lack confidence in yourself and wondering what is wrong with you. A coach or counsellor can help you recognise those patterns and address any issues that arise from them.
In terms of the physical thinking about your ex, the best thing to do is break that habit. Like an alcoholic needs to not drink again, you need to recognise when you are doing it, and STOP. Easier said than done, I know! To stop this chain reaction, try some of the following:
Stop stalking
Stop texting
Think of bad times
Go out with friends
New activities
Snap yourself out of it- elastic band
Feel the feels
Change habits
Deliberately shift attention elsewhere-mindfulness
If you are struggling to move on, then it can really help working with someone like myself. Helping you to unpick your thoughts and emotions and reframe negative thought patterns can help you to move on much more quickly. Check out my services here and if you would like to book a free breakthrough consultation, use the link below.
