What is it like to be told your marriage is over?

I write here from my own experience but that doesn’t mean it is the same for everyone. For me, it wasn’t initially the bombshell you might expect. That wasn’t because it didn’t come out of the blue - it did. But it wasn’t quite the shock you might expect because I was basically in denial. I heard the words and I believe he meant what he said but I didn’t believe he would carry it through. I thought it was just a midlife crisis and he would come to his senses soon enough. I now recognise this as a normal part of the emotional phases people go through.

However, when it finally sunk in that he was serious and things weren’t going to change, that’s when that bombshell, that heartbreak moment happened.

Grief

If you have never lost someone really close to you, you might not have experienced true grief but you will do one day. It happens to us all at some point, usually the death of a parent. But going through a divorce is recognised as the second most stressful life event, after the death of a loved one.

Those ‘slide down the wall sobbing’ moments that you see in movies actually happened to me once it hit me like a freight train. That sense of shame, embarrassment, of failure and then that intense fear about your future and that of your children is crippling.

Read more about the emotional phases here.

Questions, questions, questions

The endless questions that ran through my head about what was going to happen to me, my son, my home, my life! The inability to sleep and concentrate at work was horrible. Although I have to say that work was my sanctuary in some ways. That was because for quite some time, I never told a soul there. Perhaps it was because I was in denial or perhaps it was because I was embarrassed. But it was nice to go somewhere and not have people look at me with pity. But the constant questions about why this had happened, what could I do about it, where was I going to live, how I was going to cope financially were taking over my brain at all hours of the day.

Being alone

Evenings and weekends, some with my child and some not, were the hardest times and it was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. The loneliness is unbearable at first. Our brains are wired for connection and they also form habits easily and become wired in. This is why it is so difficult to be on your own; because there are so many habits you have formed with your partner over years and years. The smallest of things can set you off on the emotional rollercoaster.

Life changing decisions

And just at the time when you want to crawl into bed and hide under the duvet, you are expected to make the biggest, life-changing decisions ever! Who gets the house? Who has the furniture? When do I get to see my children? Can I still live in the same town? Will I still be able to do my job?

It just doesn’t seem fair. And it isn’t. But that is life unfortunately and sometimes, life sucks!

Seeing both sides

If you were the one who did the telling, then this post should hopefully help you to understand what the other person might be going through. Understanding that should hopefully help you to be more considerate when trying to arrange things to do with the home and children.

If you are like me, the one being told, I hope this gives you some idea that what you are going through is totally normal. But I also want to note that I totally understand that my ex found it incredibly hard to tell me our marriage was over. He also made himself quite ill. He hated the fact he had broken my heart and destroyed our family. Granted, that might not be the same in your case. You might have very little sympathy for your ex if they had an affair or have basically been an arse for the whole of your marriage.

Getting Support

It is absolutely essential that at this time, you get the right support. It could be from your mum or dad. It could be a sister or best friend.

You also need some legal advice. Even if you decide to use mediation and complete the forms yourself, you still need to know what you’re talking about. This is also where I can help. Although I am not a legal professional, I know enough about the process to advise you in the first instance for a fraction of the cost! Working with me in the initial stages will ensure you minimise conflict and enable you to spend your money wisely. I can show you how you can do a lot on your own, without solicitors, so that you only access that expert advice absolutely when you need to. This not only empowers you in the early stages but reduces the chance that you start off in conflict with your spouse. Read more about reducing conflict in your divorce here.

Get some proper emotional support. I neglected that part until months later when I’d made myself ill and seriously started to doubt my own self-worth. This could be from a counsellor but not all counsellors have been through a divorce and don’t always understand what you are going through. Divorce coaches weren’t around when I was getting divorced but if they were, I would 100% have used one. They know exactly what you’re going through and can give you advice as well as therapy.