Stuggling to move on?
Moving on from your divorce is not easy! Even when you think you’ve moved on something can often come up that makes you realise that you haven’t quite achieved it fully. Moving on from your divorce can be even harder if it wasn’t your decision, it was very acrimonious or there was an extra-marital affair involved.
Before you are able to move on, you need to go through the grieving process. This is a significant loss in your life and you need to grieve. See my post on the ‘Roller coaster of a break-up’. It can take quite some time to go through this process depending on the individual circumstances surrounding your divorce. If you were the one who decided to end the marriage, you may have gone through some of these stages before you even had the conversation to separate.
Sometimes people get stuck in this process, making it harder to move on. Here are the 3 main sticking points for not moving on.
Not accepting that it is over
You might rationally know that it is over but if there is even a small part of you that is hoping you will get back together then you aren’t really accepting it. Sometimes, even when we see that our ex has a new relationship, we still don’t quite believe it is over. They could also be telling us quite clearly that it is definitely over and we still don’t believe it. We believe they will one day realise that you were the best thing that ever happened to them and come running back.
This non-acceptance is different to the ‘denial’ part of the process which is usually at the start when we first hear the news or first realise that our marriage isn’t working very well. This is after the other phases and we ‘know’ it’s over but don’t really accept it.
2. Being unable to let go of the anger
You can understandably be angry when your marriage ends. The future you thought you had has been taken away. Your family has been broken up and your life has changed significantly. You may feel betrayed and been lied to. Fighting over belongings, assets, child access arrangements can make you feel even more angry, especially if you feel things haven’t been done fairly. In a nutshell you probably have good reason to be very angry.
You may also be angry with yourself if you think you could have done something to save the marriage. This is a time to forgive yourself. It is no one person’s fault. Even if one had an affair, whilst there is no excuse for the betrayal, people don’t look elsewhere unless there was something wrong in the first place.
However, anger only really punishes you and those closest to you. At the root of it is probably hurt. You may feel like you are to blame, you aren’t good enough, unlovable and will be alone forever. None of these things are true but we can easily believe them when we are hurt and angry. You might also be so full of resentment that you are irritable, causing tension or lashing out at others. Being angry and bitter towards your ex isn’t really going to make a huge difference. You may feel better temporarily when you say something hurtful to them or ‘win’ an argument but it won’t help you or your children in the long run. The best thing for children is to feel that they can be part of both parent’s lives without guilt or fear of upsetting the other.
If you are having difficulty managing your emotions see my post ‘Managing Emotions’ or ‘Dealing with Anger’.
3. Focusing on him, not you
If you spend most of your time focusing on what HE is doing, rather than you, it will prevent you from doing the necessary work on yourself. To move on after divorce you need to rebuild your self-confidence, re-define your independence and work on your self-esteem. All of these things can be knocked for six during divorce and we are unlikely to move on without doing some work on these areas. You will also need to learn from what went wrong in the marriage so that if you want to have a new relationship, you don’t make the same mistakes. This could be to do with recognising red flags, developing good communication skills and/or choosing someone with values that match your own.
Going through a divorce, especially if you have children means that you will have to maintain some sort of communication with your ex. They are likely to continue to be a part of your life for many years. This can make it all the more difficult to move on but you need to limit the amount of time you focus on him. Do what you NEED to do and then put the focus back on you.
Try to really unpick your own emotions. What is really making you sad? Is it not being with him as a person or just the uncomfortable feeling of being on your own? What is it about being on your own that is so difficult? What can you do about that?
I specialise in helping people recover from their divorce. I went through it myself and so I understand what you are going through. I know what worked for me and more importantly, what didn’t! Also, since my recovery I have learned a LOT of stuff that would have helped me get through it a lot quicker, hence why I am now a qualified Divorce Coach. To find out more about my recovery packages, book a free chat or check out my website page.
