Dealing with Anger
Anger is a secondary emotion and usually stems from a primary emotion such as sadness, fear, hurt, shame or loss. Because these primary emotions make us feel vulnerable, we tend to shift them to anger which makes us feel more in control. When you are feeling angry, try to work out what is the primary emotion behind it.
It is very normal to feel hurt or fear when getting divorced. You may also feel embarrassed about the fact your marriage has broken down. It is important to get to the bottom of the thoughts going through your head because there is a good chance that your head is making things into something bigger than they really are.
For example: It is natural to be worried about your future but the fear of being on our own is often worse than the reality. Lots of people have got past divorce and even started to enjoy being single. Many get into new and even better relationships later down the line.
You may feel ashamed or embarrassed about the reasons your marriage ended but 42% of marriages end in divorce so you are not the first or the last. There will have been good reasons behind your decisions or your behaviour. You are not the only one who contributed to this break-up and lots of others have been in the same situation. Your friends and family will be very supportive of you, even if they are sad that it has ended too.
We can feel very hurt and rejected, especially if it wasn’t our decision, and we begin to tell ourselves all sorts of rubbish about ourselves: I’m not loveable, I’m unattractive, I’m a bad person etc. None of these things are true. It’s the stories we tell ourselves that keep us stuck.
The thoughts we tell ourselves and how that keeps us stuck are key areas that I work on with my clients. Our thoughts lead to our feelings which then triggers how we behave. By recognising our thought patterns and challenging our assumptions and beliefs, we can make changes to how we feel and behave.
Dealing with Anger
Anger can sometimes be a great fuel and can motivate change and help to solve problems.
When it becomes a problem:
It is affecting your mental and/or physical health
You’re unable to express it in a healthy manner
Healthy ways to deal with anger:
Shout, scream in private
Write your feelings down in a journal
Physical exercise
Take a moment of quiet or listen to a meditation app
Deep breathing exercise
Seek professional help if it is getting out of control
Stop telling your sad story because it will trigger all those emotions over and over again
Focus on the positives of not being in that relationship anymore
Recognise what is within your control. Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on things that we have no control over whatsoever.
Often, anger arises from feeling wronged or from unhealthy dynamics with your ex-partner. Setting clear boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being. Read more about boundaries here.
Antidote to Anger
Anger is a destructive emotion. Whilst it can be a good motivation for change it can also eat away inside us and prolong the process. Anger can be like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I totally get this and you have every right to be angry. Your life as you knew it has been tipped upside down and you have been hurt and betrayed. I was angry too. I was so cross that my ex husband had done this to me and our son and I was furious. I sniped at him and blamed him and every time our son was upset about something I would blame him for leaving us.
The way to conquer anger is to use gratitude, compassion and forgiveness.
Gratitude
Find things you are thankful for and spend some time each day thinking about things or people you love. If you keep thinking about your ex then you might want to find other people or things instead. Look at my other post on ‘how to stop thinking about your ex.’
Compassion
Try to see both sides of the story. Marriage break-downs are rarely down to one person. Although I didn’t want our marriage to end, I could see how I had played my part in it going wrong.
I was fortunate that my ex (although he sniped at me too!) was genuinely sorry about ending our marriage. He almost made himself ill over the decision and did his best to be reasonable. It was in my more forgiving moments that I managed to find some empathy for him. He hadn’t taken this decision lightly and was just as sad as me that it had come to this.
Of course I never actually told him I forgave him! There was still a big part of me that was angry. The forgiveness was about me, not him. He probably sensed it though as I softened my approach and we managed to make some compromises.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be really hard but it doesn’t mean that you have to forget about it or agree that it wasn’t a big deal. It is about you, not them. Forgiveness might seem impossible for the first 18 months and if that is the case, use the anger to motivate change in yourself and the situation. If your ex was narcissistic or addicted to drugs/alcohol then learn about those things and try to find a way of understanding why they are like that. It doesn’t mean you have to like what they did, but it may help you to understand and move on. Forgiveness does not have to mean you accept or excuse their behaviour.
Closure
To get closure we want to have our feelings validated. We want someone to totally understand how we feel and agree that we are right. We want them to be sorry and to explain everything. Sadly we don’t always get that and even if we do from family or friends, in the case of divorce, it often isn’t off the person we want or need it off most.
You may need to accept that you may never get an apology from your ex. You may have to just make a conscious decision to move on and visualise your own happy ending. Give yourself time to grieve, allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Remember the good times but don’t forget the bad times and draw a line under it. There is a new life waiting for you, you just need to enable it to happen.
If you are struggling with your emotions you can read my other post ‘Managing Emotions’.
It can also be helpful to talk to a professional about your feelings and thoughts so that they can help you to reframe them into something more positive.
If you are struggling to imagine a new life without your ex, coaching can also help with future planning so that you wake up feeling more positive. Check out my support packages if you think you might want some help with these feelings and getting to the root cause.
