Finding Freedom: Why Forgiveness Matters After Divorce
Divorce is tough. It's messy, emotional, and can leave you feeling pretty raw. When you're dealing with all that hurt and anger, forgiveness might seem like the last thing on your mind. You feel betrayed and want them to feel truly sorry. But if you’re waiting for a genuine apology, you could be waiting a hell of a long time. I know if feels hard but trust me, finding a way to forgive is worth considering.
Let's clear something up first: forgiveness doesn't mean you're saying what your ex did was okay. It's not a free pass for bad behaviour. It's not about forgetting the pain or letting someone off the hook for their actions. Instead, it's about freeing yourself from the weight of resentment and bitterness. It's about taking back control of your own happiness. Holding onto resentment only prolongs the pain and prevents you from moving forward with your life.
What does forgiveness look like?
So, what does forgiveness look like post-divorce? It's acknowledging the pain without letting it define you. It's about releasing the anger and choosing to focus on your own healing. It's recognising that you can't change the past, but you can shape your future.
Forgiveness isn't a one-time thing; it's a process. It takes time, effort, and maybe a few steps backward along the way. But with a little patience and self-compassion, you can get there.
Some of you may be wanting to forgive yourself. Perhaps you were the one that left and feel guilty about it. Try to recognise that it wasn’t just you. You wouldn’t have left if things had been amazing. Perhaps there were things you could have done better but everyone makes mistakes. Apologise to your ex for your part and then recognise that you can’t really do any more than that. You can’t turn back time. It’s now time to move forward.
How will it help me to move on?
Now, how does forgiveness help you move on? First off, it gives you closure. So many seek to get closure from someone else but it can only really come from you. By forgiving your ex, you're closing the door on that chapter of your life and giving yourself permission to start fresh. It's your way of saying, "I'm done with this, and I'm ready to move on."
Secondly, forgiveness is empowering. It's about taking back your power and focusing on what you can control: your own happiness. Instead of dwelling on what happened, forgiveness allows you to look forward and take charge of your life.
Lastly, forgiveness is essential for your well-being. Holding onto anger and resentment can eat away at you, leaving you stressed and anxious. By choosing to forgive, you're choosing to prioritise your own mental and emotional health.
Things to try to develop forgiveness
We find it hard to forgive when we keep going back to the past and what they did to us. Here are a few things you could try:
Journaling can be an excellent way of processing emotions and working through them. Just by writing them on paper can help them to reduce in strength.
Meditation and mindfulness can also help you to get away from the overthinking and ruminating on sad thoughts.
Practice daily gratitude by writing a list of 3-4 things that you are grateful for. Be specific and find things that have happened that day and not just the generic ‘family’ or ‘friends’. Notice the small, beautiful or kind things that have happened in your day.
Recognise, validate and feel the hurt and anger you have- don’t stuff it down. Feel it in your body, ride the wave of emotion, and then notice the wave subside.
But I’m just not ready to forgive!
So, if you're struggling to forgive after your divorce, know that it's okay. It's a process, and it might take time. You might find my other blog post helpful if you are struggling to move on. But when you're ready, consider the freedom that forgiveness can bring. It's not about letting your ex off the hook; it's about setting yourself free. If you are really ready to move forward you might want to consider my ‘Embracing Your New Chapter’ package. Helping you to forgive and move on is just one small part of the process of to truly move on to the life of fulfilment, happiness and peace you desire.
