You've had 'the conversation'. It happened. You've dealt with any initial emotional outbursts. Now you have to think about how to tell the children. Depending on the age of your children, they might well already have an idea. They may have heard you arguing or sensed the tension at home. That won't necessarily make it any easier to tell them though or for them to accept what is about to happen. 

Even in the best of circumstances, this is not going to be an easy task. No child wants to see their parents separate even if they have been arguing regularly. The age of your children will also make a big difference. 

Tell them together

The best case scenario is that you and your spouse can tell the children together with no blame reasons. They do not need to know all the gory details! Hopefully you can tell them that mum and dad love them but just don’t love each other any more and have decided to live in different houses but you will both continue to see the children regularly. Ideally, how often this will be will have already been decided and you are able to give them as much information as possible, including where each parent will be living and which house the children will be living. Try to anticipate what questions your children might ask. Some they probably will ask are:

Why are you not going to be living together anymore?

Where are you going to live?

Will I have to change school?

Can I still see my friends?

Why don’t you love each other anymore?

Will I have to get a new bed?

Can I still have my teddy/xbox (favourite toy)?

It is much better to tell the children when you have as much information as possible because children like to know what is happening and they need to feel secure. The fact their parents are separating is already scary enough without not knowing where they will be living and when they are going to see the other parent again. Children will need time to process this information and will have lots of questions even if these don’t materialise straight away. Avoid telling them just before they go to bed or on a Sunday night when they are going to school the next day in case they have questions or get particularly upset. They might well have questions that arise for them days and weeks after this conversation. 

When things don’t go as well as you’d hoped…

Of course, things often don’t go as smoothly as you hope and even despite your best efforts your spouse may not see things the same way. They may refuse to be present when the children are told, they may have already left! Even if they are there, they may want to play the blame game. These things are out of your control so deal with what is IN your control. You can control the words that come out of YOUR mouth and you have a certain degree of control over your own reactions to events. No matter how much you want to blame your spouse for not being there or to retaliate with whatever is said against you, please for the sake of your children, try to rise above it. Try to remain as calm as possible and keep your emotions in check. There is nothing wrong with your children seeing that you are sad and in many ways it is good for children to see adult emotions but not to the extent that they are unable to be controlled. Your children will be desperately worried about you if you are sobbing and unable to speak. It will affect their feelings of safety and security so try to keep the uncontrollable emotions in check for when they aren’t around. 

Age of children

Teenage children may have a greater understanding but are also likely to be more vocal about where they want to live and may insist on remaining at the same school with their friends. Where possible, try to take their views and requests into account or they will be more likely to rebel. Younger children may be more confused and not understand the implications of mum and dad separating. There was a lovely book called ‘Two Homes’ by Claire Maseuri that I used with my son which helped. This book is suitable for children from 4-7. For teenagers, there is a good book they can read called ‘Split Survival Kit’ by Ruth Fitzgerald and Angharad Rudkin’.

Will our divorce damage them?

Telling your children is really hard and there is no getting away from the fact that it will affect them. In my experience though, if the parents can handle this part without blaming each other, give as much information as possible and answer their questions, there is no reason this will do long term damage. The damage comes from absent parents, children being forced to ‘pick a side’ or being the messenger i.e “tell your mum that…” or “you can tell your dad ….”

The circumstances in which they are told, their own individual personalities and whether they had any idea separation was on the cards will contribute to how they handle the news. They may cry, they may be angry, they might be more anxious and clingy. These emotions are all normal and should lessen in time as they become more used to the idea. The things that will lengthen this challenging time is a lack of clear information in terms of living arrangements, not having access to both parents and whether they are witness to any conflict between their parents. 

As a primary school teacher and headteacher for over 25 years I know that the children of divorced parents can be loving, capable, resilient and well-adjusted and go on to have healthy relationships of their own. The parents of these children have managed to retain a civil relationship with regards to the children, maintained good routines and strong parenting, despite the huge challenge and range of emotions they feel themselves. 

The main things that children need are:

• to know that whatever the circumstances, they are loved by both parents

• to be able to see both parents

• to know that they are able to ask questions

• to feel safe and secure

For more information on how to support your children, read my other blog post ‘Supporting Children’ which has loads of strategies to help them.

If you would like more bespoke support for you or your children, book a free consultation to find out more about my support packages.