Divorce is a huge life change that leaves us with a mix of emotions. The end of a marriage can stir up sadness, anger, confusion, and even a bit of relief. But one of the most common and annoying things people deal with after a divorce is constantly thinking about their ex and what went wrong. This endless replaying of past events and "what ifs" can be mentally exhausting and emotionally draining. But why is it so hard to stop?

The Psychology Behind Rumination

Ruminating on things means repeatedly thinking about something upsetting, often focusing on what went wrong and why. This can be particularly intense after a divorce for several reasons:

1. Unresolved Emotions: Divorce often leaves us with unresolved feelings. You might have questions that never got answered or emotions that were never fully expressed. This lack of closure can lead to a never-ending loop of thoughts as your mind tries to make sense of the breakup.

2. Attachment Bonds: During a marriage, you form a deep emotional bond with your partner. When this bond is suddenly broken, your brain struggles to adapt. The attachment system in your brain, which was triggered by your partner, keeps seeking that connection, making it hard to let go.

3. Self-Reflection and Identity Crisis: Marriages shape a big part of who we are. After a divorce, you might find yourself questioning who you are without your partner. This identity crisis can lead to excessive self-reflection, often focused on past actions and decisions.

The Impact of Negative Thought Patterns

Negative thought patterns can also play a big role in why you can't stop thinking about your ex and the divorce. Here are a few common ones:

1. Catastrophising: This involves expecting the worst possible outcome or viewing the situation as much worse than it really is. You might constantly worry about the future and fear that you’ll never be happy again.

2. Overgeneralising: Drawing broad conclusions based on a single event can fuel dwelling. For example, you might believe that because your marriage ended in divorce, all future relationships will also fail.

3. Personalisation: Taking excessive responsibility for the breakup can lead to guilt and shame. You might believe that the divorce was entirely your fault, keeping you trapped in a cycle of self-blame.

Biological Factors

There are also biological factors at play. Stress and emotional pain activate the brain's alarm system, involving the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. This system can become hyperactive after a significant emotional event like a divorce, making it hard to stop focusing on upsetting thoughts.

How to Break the Cycle

Understanding why you ruminate is the first step to breaking the cycle. Here are some strategies to help you move forward:

1. Mindfulness and Meditation: Practising mindfulness can help you become aware of your thoughts without getting caught up in them. Meditation techniques can train your mind to focus on the present moment, reducing the tendency to dwell.

2. Coaching: Talking to a divorce coach can provide you with tools to manage your thoughts and emotions. There are various effective ways of addressing negative thought patterns and developing healthier ways of thinking.

3. Journalling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a cathartic process. It allows you to express emotions and gain clarity about your experiences. Sometimes, seeing your thoughts on paper can help you understand them better and find closure.

4. Engaging in New Activities: Finding new hobbies or interests can distract your mind from dwelling. Engaging in physical activities, socialising with friends, or pursuing creative outlets can provide a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

5. Setting Boundaries: Limiting contact with your ex and removing triggers that remind you of the past can help reduce rumination. Creating physical and emotional distance is essential for healing.

6. Read more ideas about how to stop thinking about your ex in my previous blog post.

Conclusion

Ruminating on an ex and a divorce is a common, though painful, experience. It's rooted in a mix of psychological, cognitive, and biological factors. By acknowledging these factors and actively working to address them, you can start to break free from the cycle. Remember, healing takes time, and seeking support from professionals, friends, and family can make this journey more manageable. Embrace the process of rediscovering yourself and building a future that’s no longer tied to the past. If you would like some help to manage rumination, I can talk to you about what packages of support I can offer. To discuss these, book a free consultation call.