Getting over an affair, whether it was you or them that cheated, can be a difficult process. Regardless of who had the affair it is important to learn the lessons of why it happened because otherwise it is likely to happen again. The new divorce process means that reasons don’t need to be agreed but previously, adultery was quoted as the main reason for divorce. 55% of all divorces stated adultery was a contributing factor to the breakup.

Why does someone have an affair?

Common reasons that are sited for reasons why an affair happened are:

• Resentment or loneliness 

• Lack of respect

• Needs are not being met

• Feeling insignificant, unappreciated or unwanted

• Lack of affection/sex

• Lack of emotional intimacy

In some cases the reasons why a marriage isn’t working has been communicated but the other person doesn’t seem to be listening or takes it seriously enough. In other cases, the person embarking on an affair hasn’t even realised just how bad things have got until an opportunity to have an affair arises and the feelings of excitement and rush of affection makes them realise. 

Regardless of whether feelings have been communicated, it doesn’t excuse the betrayal. Having an affair goes against the promises that were made and will undoubtedly lead to a trail of devastation and destruction. 

Different types of affairs

According to the Infidelity Recovery Institute there are 7 types of affairs:

1. Accidental (one-night stand)

2. Avoidance (conflict or intimacy avoiders)

3. Philanderer (several affairs throughout the marriage)

4. Entitlement (affair with someone rich, popular, successful, powerful)

5. Split-self (romantic affair, looking for a deeper connection, often occur at life changing moments such as children growing up, parents dying, health crisis, significant job change)

6. Exit (used as an excuse to leave long term problems)

7. Sex Addiction

Narcissists often have affairs because they have no shame or empathy for others. They have a great need for admiration and are very prone to having affairs.

If it was you that had the affair...

If it was you, then you may feel incredibly guilty and confused about how it happened. You may also feel very sad that it happened and want to save the relationship. If that is the case, you might also not feel worthy of any sympathy. If you are genuinely looking to repair your marriage then you will need to:

• Commit to complete honesty. Even the smallest of lies will betray trust which you will need to rebuild. 

• Accept responsibility. No matter what problems were in your marriage, you still took the decision to embark on the affair.

• Learn from it and commit to fixing problems in your relationship.

• Forgive yourself. This doesn’t mean you are not accountable for your decision but to move on and heal your marriage you will also need to forgive yourself for what you did. 

• Recognise that it will take a long time to rebuild trust. It can take 6-18 months. 

If it was them that had the affair...

If it was them, then you are likely to feel embarrassed or ashamed. You may not want to tell people because of these feelings. You are likely to be incredibly hurt and it may feel like a physical pain. Our brains are wired for social connection and when those connections are broken or threatened, the brain responded the same way it would if we were attacked. The physical pain is real. 

You may question whether you know your partner anymore. This is especially true if you have discovered the betrayal and been lied to about it. It can cause you to question what else you don’t know about them. You may have even been gaslighted about the situation if you had earlier suspicions but they were denied. 

You might also feel incredibly angry and that is understandable. The person who promised you that they would be faithful, has betrayed you. They have also massively let you and your family down by not being honest if they were having doubts about your relationship. In many ways they have been cowardly and either buried their head in the sand or found what they perceive is any easy way out. Whatever their reasons behind the affair, it does not excuse the lies, cheating and betrayal.

It may put you off any future relationships. It takes a considerable amount of time to get over the ending of a marriage, especially one that ended with an affair. However, try not to let that put you off any future relationship. There are still good people out there. 

Positive effects can be that it encourages you to leave a marriage that really wasn’t working. It may also may you stronger and the opportunity to discover a new you and a new, better life. 

Depending on the response of your spouse you may be faced with the decision of whether you want to stay in the marriage or not.

Stay or go after an affair?

If your spouse has had an affair but is wanting to remain married then you will need to decide whether your marriage has a chance to work. Signs you should leave are:

1. No apology

2. Doesn’t want counselling

3. Doesn’t seem willing to put in the work/not committed

4. Still in touch with the person they cheated with

5. Lies- even small ones. Need to rebuild trust

6. Won’t take responsibility

7. Control any urges to seek revenge

Trusting again in a new relationship

Being cheated on will understandably leave you with trust issues, especially if you didn’t have suspicions of the affair. It will take time to get over your marriage and you should give yourself time to probably grieve. The understandable anger and betrayal you feel may well keep you stuck in the grief cycle and if that is the case, you should seek professional support. If you embark on a new relationship at some point in the future consider the following:

• Learn the lessons of your experience

• Recognise that you are likely to have trust issues that can lead to paranoia, jealousy and insecurities. Seek the support of a professional or trust friend to talk things through to ensure you are being rational. You should still trust your gut instinct though. Just make sure the thoughts are coming from your gut and not your past insecurities.

• Talk to your new partner about what happened and explain that you have trust issues and how that might manifest itself. Be clear about what you need from them and why it is important. 

• Know that it will take time to build trust and that trust has to be earned. 

Getting over an affair can be really difficult. If you are struggling with this, please do get in touch for some professional support.